Dear Dating Diva,
I was wondering if you could give me platonic relationship advice. My friend (let’s call them Avery) is in a bad relationship with a guy, think co-dependent and possessive (he gets upset if she spends time with anyone else).
He is also not a good guy, it seems his only hobby is making fun of people, including myself and other mutual friends (which she has defended, saying he was ‘joking’). I think she could do a lot better, but when I mention this, she shuts down and basically ghosts me for a while.
What can I say to preserve my relationship with Avery while telling her to dump her loser boyfriend or should I just stay silent and hope they break up?
Yours,
Bailey
Dear Bailey,
This is an unfortunately common experience, especially in university. The epidemic of the ‘loser boyfriend’ cannot be overstated. We all know an Avery, and sometimes we are the Avery. What happens next is up to both of you. It is important to remember that you are not in control of this situation, they are.
You mentioned that you have already spoken to Avery at least once, but she didn’t react well. You give no reason to believe her attitude has changed, and she will probably bite your head off if you aren’t careful (which could end your friendship). If this is the case, you are better off letting her learn an important life lesson and protecting your peace.
Avery needs to learn that having a man is no excuse for being a bad friend. Her allowance of her boyfriend’s petty cruelty is a sign that she doesn’t value your friendship. Why put effort into a relationship when it hasn’t been reciprocated? We all have bad days/weeks where our friends do more for us than we do for them.
Ask yourself, has Avery been there for you recently during a tough time? Again, a major indicator of how much she values her friendship.
You can be there for her in the aftermath, but there is no point trying to end a relationship you are not part of and neither party is receptive to your advice. I would also note that it is important that Avery feels that she can talk to you about her relationship. If you are vocally opposed to her boyfriend, she isn’t going to keep you in the loop.
Which leads me to my next and most serious point: if you feel at any point that she is being abused in some way please contact the local authorities or your school’s counselling services. It sounds like he’s just a bad guy, not a criminal, but you can never be too certain.
Here's some advice just for you: put yourself first and don’t waste your energy on people (romantic and platonic) who don’t reciprocate your time and effort. You’re a friend not a helicopter parent.
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