So... I got the essay marks back from deadline season. And I may have spiralled. But I'm trying to come to terms with it. I keep being presented with life lessons but I just wish they would be done with by this point. What else is there left for me to learn? I came to university expecting to be filled with knowledge from some of the greatest academics in the world but instead I've taught myself more in this tiny time frame of first year than I had ever expected.
It's rough trying to come to terms with not being perfect all the time. Maybe my dedication is working against me; in an attempt to get my grades up, I've been putting more work in but somehow my grades are going down. That's not how it's supposed to work, right? I'm not the sort of person who's used to having grades slip — I wouldn't be here if I wasn't a massive overachiever — so some of my grades have come as a bit of a shock, even when I thought I'd prepared myself.
I always dread the moment when the corridors are filled with, "How was your mark?" My kaleidoscope brain doesn't seem to be able to put things into an accurate perspective, everything's distorted with shades and facts that nobody else seems to see. At this point, I genuinely have no idea what people are talking about in some of my classes; the depth of my knowledge gap has turned into a canyon at this point. Where do I start to catch up when I can't even pinpoint where I fell behind in the first place?
I keep a conversation with my high school English teacher at hand in my brain. If people online are talking about Matilda's Miss Honey, then she's mine. She told me at the end of the year that I needed to practise being bad at things. So really, I'm just doing really well at a completely different assignment.
First year is absolutely for "figuring stuff out." That's what I've spent most of my time doing anyway. It's something my kaleidoscope brain likes; it needs order, formulae. I've finally dragged my heavy feet to office hours, and to be honest I have mixed feelings. In some ways, it's so rushed I feel like I get nothing out of it, and the specific things I clarified were the things I got marked down on. In others, it's been a brilliant way to feel more confident about my knowledge and academic abilities. Or at least I did, before my grades went down.
My favourite tutors are the ones that don't seem to get sick of me. I've befriended one of them, to the point where I'm getting dangerously attached. If you don't trauma dump to your favourite teacher though, have you even been in an academic overachiever? Tutorials are my favourite part of the week; I love them so much to the point where they can improve my day considerably. I'm a simple girl — small groups where learning is guided but we still figure everything out for ourselves. I'm told this happens more in third year. I can't wait.
Maybe I need to get out more.
There's definitely a disconnect somewhere between my confidence and my essays grades; my order-loving brain is really not loving this. But in the end, one grade in the grand scheme of things isn't really that awful. It's only 25% of one module. Anyway, I'm at university to learn! Maybe there's one lesson I haven't quite yet learnt - how to be kind with myself. All I can say is, thank goodness I'm a first year. I'll introduce you to my favourite phrase at the moment — it doesn't even count anyway!
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