Excuse me, why do the deadlines never seem to stop? And where do people find time to rest? I'm all for living in the moment but, when the distance between today and the essay due date on my calendar is obsolete, it's near impossible not to think ahead.
I have so much to do and I want to prioritise rest but, when the "rest" (ahem, doom scrolling) results in me keeping my roommate up until midnight with the lamp on still working on the damn essay I should have written earlier today, I’m starting to think it might be healthier for me just to say no to extracurriculars and focus on work for a week. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm at St Andrews to have fun!
My breaks are sacred. I read somewhere that rest is productive and I'd be surprised if you got through a day around me without hearing me chant that statement any time I have the chance. I have so many extra-curriculars that I'm basically forced to rest, which is good, but having to manage all of my activities on my own does sometimes add to the stress. I understand now why all the rich people have PAs.
Credit: Louise Millar.
I love my passions and I love that I'm passionate about them, but they don't leave much time for spontaneous or frivolous fun. The most random thing I do every day is choose which corner of the quad I'm going to do my readings in during the break between classes. I don't want to go out at night, but I do want to find something to do that is entirely stupid and frivolous. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not actually a study robot.
Exams are coming quickly (yes, I know I talk about it in every entry but I'm *stressed*) and I still have no clue how to start studying for them. I know there are revision lectures at the end of the semester but I feel like that's not enough time. And it's all scheduled out in my calendar already (of course) but I don't know if it'll be enough or if I'm even studying the right things.
The jump to university feels so strange coming from a school system where all the information was basically fed to you and you just had to memorise it. I'm starting to worry if I even have the capacity to think on my own at all. Except you still have to think on your own in the correct way, and somehow magically know what the correct thoughts are without being told them. Listen, having a creative brain can be hard sometimes.
I'm trying to be gentle with myself and know my limits but my coping mechanism (aside from shopping, as we've discovered) seems to be avoidance, which only means that I take on more things and make myself more tired. When I try to rest, my brain powers up and, when I try to focus, my thoughts are in another country!
I don't know how to reset; I know I burnout so easily, but I can't seem to build a dam on the flood of mailing lists and “oh I'll just sign up to this one more, it can't be that much of a commitment.” I can feel my attention span being dragged behind the steam train of incoming deadlines and events, and I keep trying new things in a desperate attempt to regain it. So far I haven't made myself ill though, so I count that as a win.
Credit: Louise Millar.
The one thing that keeps me sane is how insanely beautiful this place is. As a children's literary classics kid, this is finally my chance to live out my literary dreams (seriously, I'm convinced this place is the grown-up Malory Towers) and you’d best believe I'm making the most of it.
Whilst the main library may not be the easiest place to romanticise, I steer clear and instead point my handlebars to the more “aesthetic” spots in town. When I can be bothered to leave my room, that is. I'm realising I've created a bit of a vicious circle for myself. But I'm still determined to live every day here like it's the Hollywood movie set that it – technically is? Who says I can't direct and star at the same time? It's time the main character took control of their plot for once.
I just want to have a week without a deadline for something please! I know I'm not alone in being incredibly stressed about work, but it's hard to remember that living and dying by the double-edged blade of my four-column calendar is not the best way to live (or the most ideal way to die – death by dates sounds humiliating.)
I know that if I stick to the plan then I'll get through it eventually, but the living-day-by-day thing is really starting to get to me. I can't take each day as it comes any more; I just want the next month to be over so I can be on my post-exams trip. But I know I have to warm up to take on Deadline Season Part II in the red corner – and hope I'm not knocked out before actual exams come around.
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