Last week, I went to a party. Dressed up to the nines, one drink in, I saw someone I used to know from halls. On making accidental eye contact, I felt the obligatory social wind blow them my way.
“Hi, how are you?” they said.
“Good, thanks. You?” I said.
“Fine, thanks.” they said.
This revolutionary exchange is just one small example of what is commonly known as small talk.
Small talk is typically defined as unimportant and uncontroversial conversation and, according to Urban Dictionary, it is useless, unnecessary, a waste of time and breath, and a causation of feelings of loneliness and questioning of one’s entire existence. This sets up small talk as a rather divisive subject in itself; ironically, small talk would arguably not fall under the accepted category of small talk subjects.
On first reflection, small talk seems like something universally dreaded. However, when discussing this with my flatmate, she utterly disagreed and was very passionately in favour of the social etiquette of small talk. She argued in defence of the lonely old lady, giving her table to you during a busy period at Rectors; no, you cannot ignore her, but she also doesn’t want to hear your tales of woe about how you almost failed one of your modules and have to look after your ex-boyfriend’s dog, or your inexpert opinion about political instability in western Europe. Small - and safe - talk extends simply to greetings, and, of course, the weather.
Small talk as the norm seems to be a regular occurrence. Take (re)freshers social events. The dreary duo of small talk are the classic questions: year of study; degree course. How did we reach a point at which this fully qualifies as a conversation?
An alternative to consider is the Finnish way. Finland is notorious for its utter avoidance of small talk – think minimal coffee orders at cafes, silent public transport. Silence is considered superior to unimportant matters. Sometimes you do indeed say it best when you say nothing at all. Finns learning English literally have to be taught how to small talk as it is a skill in which there are certain, correct answers expected. It’s merely a polite social construct that, more often than not, is used to fill silence. But what if, as in Finland, silence is golden?
That said, research has shown that small talk does in fact have benefits; small moments of friendliness can lead to positivity and feelings of connectedness. It can be considered useful as a form of bonding, or testing the waters of a budding friendship. Does this balance out the potential boring, fake, pre-determined conversations that occasionally allude to that invasion of space for introverts who dread nothing worse than an awkward exchange of meaningless greetings?
To test this out, I conducted my very own very scientific research: 100% of my flatmates said that you can’t really talk or get to know people at all without small talk. Point taken. However, they also appreciated the pre-empted mundanity of small talk. For example, when asking someone ‘how are you?’ most people would be lying if they said they wanted an honest answer as opposed to a simple one-worded adjective.
I set out to argue that small talk is the bane of our existence, a soul strangler better left to those who wish to slowly torture themselves socially. Instead, I’ve realised how little interactions, however small, can be a social saviour; a positive greeting with a barista can make you smile, discussions of the weather could be the start of a beautiful friendship, whilst diving into your experience of existential crisis with a fresher joining a society social for the first time just seems unnecessary.
So maybe the argument to avoid small talk at all costs is a little dramatic. But, the next time someone asks ‘how are you?’ consider telling them the truth. Let’s normalise big talk, too.
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